As a south-westerly wind howls across the sodden Somerset hills and the rain lashes against my sturdy farmhouse walls, I pull my hat down over my ears and look forward to another exhilarating day on the slopes, here in Switzerland. There is nothing like a day's skiing to give one a hearty appetite and, as I glide effortlessly down the snowy mountainside, I eagerly anticipate the cheese fondue that awaits me in my chalet, far below.

A simple peasant meal, fondue is the perfect choice for an intimate apres-ski supper and is so delicious you'll want to make it for your friends back in England.

A flugelhorn solo makes the perfect accompaniment.

Cheese Fondue
You will need:
3 oz Gruyere per person
150g Emmental per adult, less 1oz per child
Half a pint of dry white wine per pound of cheese
Six garlic cloves
One tablespoon of cornflour for each litre of wine
4 fl oz Kirsch
Six French sticks

Method
Pre-set your electronic calculator to zero and turn on the oven. Consulting the conversion tables at the back of your diary, carefully apply Pythagoras's theorem to sum of the squares of cheese and divide by the number of people you wish to serve. Jot down your workings on a clean sheet of greaseproof paper.

Grate the cheese into a flameproof dish and add the wine. Now place the dish on the centre of an electric element set to moderately low and stir constantly until long strands of melted cheese begin to wind themselves around your wooden spoon. Using a pair of kitchen scissors, cut the spoon free and use it to beat the cornflour and Kirsch into a soft paste. With the point of a sharp knife or chisel, prise the paste into the cheese mixture and bring to a rolling boil.

Keep stirring while you cut the bread into mouth-sized cubes, being careful not to drop the spoon. Using a metal fish slice, scrape the spoon off the floor, rinse under boiling water and return to the fondue mixture. Do not worry about the threads of cheese criss-crossing your kitchen; you will have time to wind them into a useful ball once you have arranged the bread on baking tray and popped it into the oven to crisp. Using a pair of bolt cutters and a spaghetti fork, disentangle the strings of cheese from your legs. As soon as you are able to stand up, remove any cheese that may be wound round your neck. Act quickly before it cools and sets, or the texture may be spoilt. Pick the remaining strands out of your hair and return the whole lot to the flameproof dish. Add the crushed garlic and run a blow torch over your frock to sizzle away any hardened Emmental before it stains the silk.

The fondue is now ready to serve. Do not, on any account, stir it again.

Also by Rosalind Buttered-Crumpet
Romantic supper
Moroccan Brownies